All I Know
by Anne Bensler
Summary: This is the long-awaited spinoff of my earlier story "All I Need To Know" Please read at least the first 6 chapters of that story first - but preferably all of it, of couse ;)
1. Chapter 1

**Finally (!) here is the spin-off of All I Need to Know, that I hinted at after the final chapter of that story! I can't believe it's been almost a year ...**

 **This story will be much shorter than the mother ship, I promise. And naturally, it will have a different outcome. Or rather, they won't lose 5 years first!**

 **! ! ! SPOILER ALERT ! ! !**

 **Please read AT LEAST THE FIRST 6, but preferably the first** **53** **chapters of that story before reading this! This story starts off with an exact and pretty heated quote from chapter 53, and a small part from chapter 70 to complete the first scene ... Enjoy!**

...

 **Thursday October 20, 2011**

"Kathy! Why haven't you invited a single one of the people I got to know through work?"

"Elliot. Keep your voice down!"

"I will not! Just answer the question!"

"Shhhh."

"Don't you shush me!"

"Elliot please."

"No Kathy. Just tell me why you didn't invite them!"

"Well, it's not like you've been keeping in touch anyway," Kathy argued. "I thought you'd left that life behind you. It's time to look at the future, Elliot."

"What future?!" Elliot spat. "Do I just sit around the house like I have been doing these past months? Because you gotta admit Kathy, it's not like things are getting any better between us."

"I wanna keep trying Elliot," Kathy hissed, keeping her voice down and trying again to get him to do the same.

"Why?" he yelled. "It's not going anywhere and you know it!"

"Elliot!"

Elliot stalked closer to his wife, getting in her face while he spoke.

"You gotta face it some time, Kathy. Maybe it wasn't the job all this time. Maybe it was us."

And then Kathy finally snapped.

"Or maybe it was your beloved Olivia!"

"What?!"

"You heard me. I know you were drooling all over her Elliot. You spent more time with her than you did with me!"

"We were working!"

"Blah blah blah. I've heard that one once too many times Elliot. How stupid do you think I am? How many times did you sleep with her?"

"Shut up!"

"No Elliot. Let's do this once and for all. How many times!"

"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about," Elliot hissed.

Their faces were just inches apart and neither of them was backing away.

"I think I know damn well what I'm talking about. Or else, why wouldn't you just answer the question?"

"Never."

"Excuse me?"

"Not. Once. Never."

Kathy scoffed.

"I wouldn't do that to you, or to her. And she wouldn't do that to you. She's a decent person!"

"But you want her. I know you do!" Kathy spat, recovering quickly from her shock at Elliot's answer.

"I know I don't want _this_ anymore, Kathy. Things haven't gotten better at all since I retired. Only worse, and I'm done."

That finally stunned Kathy into silence, but only briefly. She took a small step back to create some distance between her and her husband, and then spoke again.

"You're going to run back to her?"

Elliot took a step towards her, closing the distance once again.

"You really don't get it, do you?" he said, his voice a low, menacing rumble.

Kathy's response was a reflex.

"Looks like she's finally done with you too, doesn't it. Since she stood you up. So where you gonna go now?"

Disbelief flashed across Elliot's face, followed quickly by realization.

"Yeah. She stood me up. But how do you know about that!"

Kathy didn't say a word.

"You followed me?"

"Of course not."

Elliot turned away from her and Kathy took a deep breath, finally free of his suffocating proximity. He glanced around and saw Maureen watching them, her eyes filled with worry. Elliot turned back around slowly to face his wife.

"Did you see the letter?"

The guilt in Kathy's eyes was immediate and something clicked in Elliot's brain.

"Did she even _get_ the letter?!"

He looked like he was ready to explode. He would never lay a hand on a woman, but was pretty sure he would have knocked Kathy out if she'd been a man.

"Screw you Kathy," he hissed. "I never want to see your face again!"

He stormed off then, heading for the door. Richard and Elizabeth were just walking towards him but stopped when they saw the anger on his face. He was swearing under his breath and muttered,

"I have to see Liv. Right now. God, I hope she can forgive me."

"Dad!" Richard said.

"Get outta my way!"

"Where are you going?"

"Ask your mother! I'm done here!"

Elliot Stabler stormed past the children, not bothering to get his coat, and left his own birthday party to find the one person he wanted to see right now. He _needed_ to see right now. He could only hope that he hadn't done any irreparable damage to their relationship ... whatever it was. He needed to fix that. Give what they shared a real name. Call it what it truly was and let the chips fall where they may. The cold night air hit him and it felt good. He was finally leaving behind the suffocation he'd felt for months - no years - and was walking with his head high. There was no going back now, not ever again. He'd go to her place and wouldn't leave until she heard him out. His anger at Kathy was fueling him, and he had no trouble walking straight despite his level of intoxication. His stride was determined. He knew he had drank a lot but he was convinced that he was clearheaded enough to tell her what she needed to know. All he could think about was the injustice of it all, and how they had both been wronged, forgetting for the moment that Olivia might feel wronged in a completely different way right now. He just needed to see her. To talk to her. That was all.

...

Olivia Benson hadn't really been focused all day long. There was a lull in their cases and she and Nick had been doing paperwork mostly while Fin and Rollins were out on a case and Munch was with TARU going through some security footage for them. Although she was getting used to seeing Nick sitting across from her whenever she looked up, it had been a little more painful today. _His_ birthday. It was the first time in thirteen years that she wouldn't congratulate him. Because he was gone. He had disappeared from her life, and had done it so convincingly, that if he were dead she wouldn't know.

She felt silly about what she'd done now, but she had gone out to buy his favorite beer and had ordered 'their' takeout. It didn't taste as good as it used to these days and she hated herself for even wanting to remember him this way. He'd left her. He just walked out of her life and never looked back. She'd called his number until she finally got a message that it had been disconnected. She'd stopped trying to see him at home after Kathy had sent her away a few times. And then last month she got an envelope with his mini badge in it, and a tiny note. _Semper Fi. El._

Always faithful. Right.

Wrong.

"Fuck you Elliot," she mumbled, finishing her fourth beer of the night. Or was it her fifth?

She leaned forward to check the two sixpacks on the floor in front of her couch and raised her eyebrows when she saw that the first sixpack was completely gone and she'd already started on the second. Seven beers? God, what had it come to? She was pathetic. She got up and grabbed a few empty bottles, cursing under her breath when she dropped two of them. She had eaten too little and drank too much, and was unsteady on her feet.

"Fuck you Elliot!" she said a little louder, and the sound of her own voice gave her enough strength to stand up straight and walk over to the kitchen to toss the empty bottles in the bin.

She looked at the leftovers of her takeout, and decided to put it all in the fridge. It was almost a complete meal, she'd hardly touched it. When tears welled up in her eyes unexpectedly, she slammed the refrigerator shut, making the contents rattle but she didn't care. She wasn't going to cry over him. Not again. He _left_ her. He didn't deserve it.

 _"Dad hates me."_

 _"No he doesn't. Trust me. If he did he'd just walk out of your life."_

Those words had haunted her for months now. The first few weeks, she had thought he would contact her again soon. She'd still been calling and texting him almost daily by the end of June and she'd been confident that he'd drop by her apartment any moment. And she would have been ready to support him. But after almost two months without a word, she had begun to doubt herself. Or him. Or both of them. Had she done something to chase him away? She hadn't been able to think of anything. They'd been relaxed around each other over the past year. Maybe he just needed a little time away from the job, and then he'd be back. But by August, she'd been an angry mess and it had showed. Then, to top it off, Cragen had told her Elliot had put his papers in. She still couldn't think of any reason why he'd suddenly hate her and cut her out of her life like that. His resignation had felt like a knife to her heart, so one day she had decided that it was on him. All on him. He was just another asshole who walked out on her. He'd only taken a bit longer to realize he could do without her than all the others.

She plopped back down on the couch and wiped at her eyes. She knew she didn't really mean that. He could act like an asshole at times but she'd known the man inside. And she had truly believed that _that_ man had cared for her. But for some reason, suddenly one day he didn't. It was either that, or he'd been too broken to be able to talk to her. And both possibilities still hurt like hell. It was so not like him to just cut her out of his life, that she couldn't deal with it. She didn't want to cry and tried to find something to watch on TV to distract her. She settled on a rerun of a sitcom they used to watch together and grabbed another beer. One more, for old time's sake, she thought. Just before she put the bottle to her lips, she whispered,

"Happy birthday, El."

A firm knock on her door startled her, and she scanned the room immediately, locating her gun. She hoisted herself up from the couch again and groaned, wishing now that she hadn't opened that eighth beer. Or the seventh for that matter. She grabbed her gun and then walked to the door to look through the peephole. Before she could look, her nightly visitor knocked again, even louder than before.

"What the hell," Olivia huffed.

Who could it be at this hour? It was almost midnight. She leaned her left palm against the door, clutching her gun in her right hand, and looked through the peephole. Her stomach dropped when she saw who was standing outside her apartment.

"Elliot."

...

 **Dun dun!**

 **Can't help wondering if they should be doing this now ... can you? :)**

 **Reviews are life.**


	2. Chapter 2

**So it looks like several readers are a little confused that Elliot does show up at Olivia's door this time. But people … that was the whole point of the spinoff, remember? We were wondering what would have happened if he** _ **had**_ **made it back then, so I'm writing that version now. Same setting with the letter and all, but the guy with the baseball bat doesn't knock Elliot out cold this time. I hope I've cleared that up. If not, please re-read the original story - it's always cool when people read my older stories :)**

 **Now here is chapter 2, and we're in season 13 and not in season 17 like we were in the original. Enjoy!**

...

2.

For a few moments, he thought she wasn't going to open the door. He'd heard shuffling inside the apartment and he guessed she'd already looked through the peephole to see who her nightly visitor was. He was getting impatient and was getting ready to knock a third time and call her name when he suddenly heard her unbolt the door. He took a small step back and staggered a bit. He cursed the idiot who had attacked him on the way over to Olivia's place. On top of being almost drunk, he now had a splitting headache and was feeling dizzy. He tried to focus on Olivia when the door finally opened.

There she was, barefoot, dressed in oversized grey sweats and her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail. She was clearly surprised to see him, but there was something off with her. Had she been crying? Or drinking? Or both?

"What are you doing here?" she asked, her voice low and annoyed. Almost emotionless.

"Good to see you too," he fired back automatically, but the joke was lost on her.

On both of them actually. They weren't in sync anymore. Not by a long shot.

"Shouldn't you be out celebrating your birthday over in Queens?"

Her voice was still flat and she was proud of herself. There was no way she was going to fall into his arms after five months of nothing. She just wanted to know why he was there on his birthday. The one she'd been celebrating in her own warped way just minutes earlier.

"I left the party," Elliot said, bracing himself with one hand against the wall next to her door.

Olivia seemed to register his discomfort and he saw a hint of concern in her eyes.

"You okay?" she asked him and he decided that if this was the way he was going to get into her apartment, he was taking it.

"Not really. Someone tried to knock me out with a baseball bat on my way over here."

She stepped aside, silently letting him know he could come in. He moved as quickly as he could but actually staggered a bit.

Olivia's hand wrapped around his arm before she could stop herself. She told herself it was simply because she didn't need his drunken ass sprawled out on her living room floor but she retracted her hand quickly when she felt the warmth of his skin against hers. Why wasn't he wearing a coat anyway? It was way too cold to be out in just a t-shirt.

Elliot made it to her couch and leaned his fists on the backrest, trying to clear his mind. That headache was killing him. He registered that Olivia was still behind him, and once he thought he could stand upright, he turned around to face her. She was standing there with her arms crossed, staring at him, still waiting for him to explain why he was there. He wanted to tell her why but his thoughts were a jumbled mess. It was a miracle that he'd been able to find her place at all with all the beer and scotch he'd drank earlier. And that baseball bat had only made things worse.

"Liv, I ..." he started, but then he shook his head. What could he tell her?

"Why'd you leave your birthday party?" Olivia asked flatly, but he could see a world of emotions in her big brown eyes.

"Kathy ..." Elliot said, making a dismissive gesture with one arm.

Olivia scoffed. Of course. He'd had a fight with his wife and now he was here. That was all she was good for. It was all she had ever been good for. Deep down she knew it wasn't true but the anger gave her strength and God knew she needed strength right now or she'd succumb to the pain. She walked into the kitchen and stood behind the breakfast bar, shielding herself further from the man that had occupied her mind more than she felt he deserved.

"So you need a place to crash and you thought, why not give my old pal Liv a visit?" she snapped at him and Elliot looked at her.

His blue eyes were swimming but she could see anger flare up in them. That old, reliable friend that had gotten them out of so many uncomfortable situations.

"I didn't come here to ... I don't need a place to crash ... I just ..."

God, why couldn't he form a complete a sentence? He couldn't focus and he was barely registering that he was finally seeing Olivia again. He felt a little angry though and that wasn't what he wanted to feel.

"You just what?" he heard her snap.

Why was she so mad at him? He came to see her, didn't he? They were friends. Or they used to be.

"I just had to see you," he managed to say.

"Why?"

Her voice sounded as bitter as she felt and Olivia tightened her grip on the breakfast bar. He'd been hit over the head with a baseball bat but she might as well have been hit herself. She couldn't focus and she blamed the alcohol. It had nothing to do with the shock of seeing Elliot again after such an emotional day. Nothing whatsoever.

"I left her."

"Again?"

She had fired off her response before his words had even fully registered. It wasn't again … the other times, it had always been Kathy who took off. Not him. But her cynical question was already out there and Elliot turned away from her to start pacing. He was very unsteady on his feet so it wasn't a very convincing action, but while he turned, she saw that there was blood in his hair. Must have been from that nutcase who had taken a swing at him. He should have that cleaned up. She should grab some disinfectant but she couldn't. Not now. She knew if she touched him again or even got too close, her resolve would crumble. She was still feeling the effects of the beer she'd consumed and she didn't trust herself right now.

"I'm not going back this time," Elliot said, and he turned around to see her reaction.

He swayed a little and quickly leaned back against the couch. He had to focus now.

"Sure you will," Olivia replied. "You always go back. It's like you used to say. You just don't walk away after twenty years. Or … what is it now? Twenty-four? Twenty-five?"

"Twenty-seven," Elliot mumbled.

She was confusing him with the numbers but he knew that much.

"There. You didn't walk away then and you're not walking away now."

"Yes I am!" Elliot yelled, raising a finger for emphasis.

He didn't look very sure of himself at all, more like a drunk trying to justify his bad behavior. He almost lost his balance just from raising his hand and Olivia forced herself not to rush to his side. The urge to help him increased when he grabbed his head with both hands but she remained frozen behind the breakfast bar, trying to process what he was saying about his marriage while she was wondering if Elliot was going to collapse on the spot.

Elliot felt sick. In fact, he thought he could throw up any second. His headache was spiking and he wondered if he could make it to the bathroom in time. Where was her bathroom again? He pushed himself off of the backrest of the couch and took a few steps forward. He felt his stomach lurch and groaned. Two more steps and he'd be able to grab the breakfast bar. He extended his right arm and almost missed the bar. His stomach was acting up again and he rounded the breakfast bar as fast as he could.

Olivia backed away until her back was against the counter.

"What the fuck are you doing?" she asked him.

He didn't answer her and before she realized that he was actually sick, he pushed her aside and threw up in her sink.

"For crying out loud Elliot!" Olivia exclaimed before moving away from the stench that was now spreading in her kitchen.

She wasn't sick herself yet but she knew she'd drank too much and she might become sick if she stayed in the kitchen.

Elliot turned on the tap and washed his mouth, clinging to the counter while trying to rinse his vomit away as fast as he could. His head was pounding and the smell of puke made him nauseous all over again.

Olivia watched him from a respectable distance and noticed the blood on his head again. Could he have a concussion? Well, that still didn't give him the right to come into her apartment unannounced and disrupt her evening. When he straightened up again and grabbed a towel to dry off his hands and mouth, Olivia straightened up as well, and told him as firmly as she could,

"I think you should leave now."

Elliot watched her and put the towel down slowly. His eyes were sad now and she looked away.

"Where'm I gonna go Liv?"

"Home."

He shook his head, then grabbed the counter again to keep his balance.

"I'm never going back there. I don't have a home anymore."

"I don't understand, Elliot. Why did you come here tonight?"

Elliot really didn't feel well and his mind was a blank. All he knew was,

"I just had to see you."

"Alright. You've seen me. Now go."

Elliot knew that he couldn't leave now or she'd never let him in again. All of her defensive walls were up but he was too tired and messed up to fight her. He wasn't going to leave, even if she did show him the door, so he told her honestly,

"If you kick me out I'll be sleeping on your doorstep. I have nowhere else to go."

Olivia sighed. She couldn't kick him out like a dog, no matter how bitter she was about the way he had left their friendship behind without a word. And he was clearly uncomfortable, and for some unknown reason, incredibly sad. She couldn't stop herself from feeling for him. Not because she wanted to, because she had tried with all her might not to feel anything the whole time he'd been here. But if he did have a concussion, he shouldn't be out alone, she told herself.

"Tell me I'm not going to regret this," she muttered while making her way to her bedroom.

She came back out with a pillow, a sheet and a blanket. Elliot was still standing in the kitchen, staring at the wall in front of him blankly. He looked like he could pass out any minute.

"You can crash on my couch tonight," Olivia told him, "but if you can't give me a very good reason for showing up here like this in the morning, you're on your own."

...

 **Well, that went ... strangely, didn't it? What do you think?**


	3. Chapter 3

3.

Elliot was listening intently for any sounds coming from Olivia's bedroom. It was good to lay down and he didn't mind her couch at all. His head was still spinning but it was calming down a little. It still hurt but the alcohol was probably a good painkiller. He wondered how he'd wake up in the morning. But he was here, with her, and it's where he wanted to be. They needed to talk and he had to tell her …

The letter!

Why hadn't he thought of mentioning that earlier? The letter she never got. His anger at Kathy flared up again. She had gone through his things and had taken it upon herself to remove his letter from the envelope he'd prepared to send to Olivia. She must have read it, and so she knew about his feelings for Olivia. She'd kept quiet for a whole month afterwards but her nasty moods made more sense now.

He heard Olivia rummaging in her room and the bathroom and could imagine _her_ mood. She was pissed. Anger was what they did best, after all. But he needed to get through to her before she'd kick him out in the morning. Right now, he did need rest though. He could barely think straight and when she looked at him with those big brown eyes, he was even more lost. He wondered why she'd already been upset when he arrived at her door but he felt that he was starting to fall asleep. He welcomed it, needing to clear his head before facing her again. She had to know why he was there … had to know how he felt about her … she had to know …

…

It had taken her longer than usual to get ready for bed and she blamed the drunk that was currently occupying her couch. He was an easy target. She'd blamed him for a lot of things over the past few months and he had been the cause of her drinking too much tonight.

Still, once she was finally in bed, her mind started working against her. That little voice inside her head was back, daring her to look beyond her anger and reproach and look at the situation at hand.

He was here.

Elliot was here in her apartment. He had _not_ walked out of her life for good.

No matter the reason he was here now, he had _not_ walked out of her life for good. And than meant more to her than she cared to admit. She had drank a bottle of water after brushing her teeth and while she was lying in bed, she felt the fog that had been caused by the alcohol slowly lift and make room for clearer thoughts. And she began to worry about him. What if he did have a concussion? The least she could have done was look at his head wound. Earlier, she'd been so busy with herself and all the emotions that were trying to knock her off balance, that all she could think of was shielding herself from him; not let him get too close to her or herself too close to him. But now, she began thinking of him. He had arrived without a coat or jacket, as if he'd just ran out of the house without a plan. Maybe he had. Maybe things had gotten so bad between him and Kathy that he'd ran out first, and decided where to go afterwards.

He'd come to her.

Her first reaction had been anger because it had brought back that crushing feeling of being his emergency friend only. His spare wife for when his real wife was acting up. But this was different in more than one way. She had seen a haunted look in his eyes. It wasn't unlike the one she'd seen before when Kathy had walked out on him again, but this time _he_ was the one walking away. Something horrible must have happened for him to finally call it quits. She still expected him to go back but she did know something was different.

And they hadn't been in touch for months. It wasn't as logical as before that he'd come knocking on her door. That was different too.

Olivia found herself wanting things to be different this time. Wanting him to be here for different reasons than before, and she hated herself for it. She shouldn't still be like this when it came to him. Not after all this time. Not after the way he had left her, _knowing_ how much he'd meant to her. And yet … and yet.

After tossing and turning for a while, Olivia slipped out of bed and walked into the living room quietly. She needed to check on him. She could hear Elliot snoring softly all the way from the threshold of her bedroom but walked closer to him anyway. If he did have a concussion, she should wake him up every few hours.

She stood next to the couch for a few minutes, arms crossed, just staring at her former partner and friend. She'd seen him sleep many times before, in the car or the cribs, and more often than she cared to admit, she had needed to suppress the urge to touch him; to caress his cheek or his hand.

She couldn't remember ever touching his hands deliberately but she had wondered about them. She looked at his right hand, that had dropped off the couch, and felt a strong pull towards him. She wanted to lift his arm and place it back over his chest. That broad chest that was moving slowly as he breathed. But she knew she shouldn't touch him. It was too much. Him crashing back into her life while she'd been thinking about him non-stop and hating herself for still pining over him. And then telling her he wasn't going back home. She couldn't allow herself to do this again. She'd tried to quell that hope that was buried somewhere deep inside her heart for years and she didn't need this now. Not now that she had found a way to be angry with him for hurting her. Being angry was much easier than letting him back in and getting hurt all over again. Or was it?

She was hurting already. In fact, she hadn't stopped hurting at all. Her little celebration in Elliot's honor had been proof enough of that and it was embarrassing. Olivia took a deep breath and let it out slowly, making sure not to wake Elliot. He was sleeping peacefully, he wasn't unconscious. She should sleep it off as well.

She made her way back to her bedroom and got back into bed, leaving her door ajar just in case. She shook her head mentally at herself. He didn't really deserve her concern and yet … and yet.

…

Olivia finally dozed off but she stayed partially alert, like a cop on duty taking a nap. When she heard a groan coming from the living room, she checked the time. 3.45 AM. She turned from her side on her back and stared up at the ceiling in the dark while listening for any other sounds coming from the living room. She heard some rustling and another grunt from Elliot. Was he awake? She was suddenly wide awake as well. Was he getting up? Was he walking to her bedroom door?

He knocked softly on the door, causing it open a bit further and she could just make out his shadow outside her door. What did he want? After a brief pause she heard him say,

"Liv? Can I use your bathroom?"

…

He'd been disoriented for a minute but then he remembered. He was at Olivia's place. He had been woken up by his extremely full bladder and he had needed a moment before he could sit up. And that's when his headache came back full force. He groaned. He felt like someone was banging a loud gong from inside his head. And he still needed to pee. He'd crashed on the couch fully dressed minus his shoes, and pushed the blanket aside so he could try and stand up. He grunted when he finally succeeded, and focused on each step as he made his way to Olivia's bedroom. He hoped she was asleep but he couldn't just barge in, so he knocked on her door softly. It had been ajar and his knocking made the door open a bit further. He hadn't expected that and he needed a moment to determine what that meant. She'd opened her door after they had gone to sleep? He tried not to read too much into it but still, a tiny voice in his head told him, she still cares. Maybe she didn't care about him like she used to anymore, but at least she still cared enough to make sure he was alright. He wasn't sure if Olivia heard his knock, so finally he asked her,

"Liv? Can I use your bathroom?"

He listened for any kind of reaction from her, wondering what he should do if she was sleeping. To his surprise, he suddenly heard her say,

"Yes. Of course."

"Thanks," he mumbled, making his way to the bathroom by following the wall in the dark.

After closing the bathroom door behind him, he switched on the light. He wanted to switch it off immediately. It was much too bright and his head felt like it might explode. He found the toilet quickly and peed sitting down, so he could keep his eyes closed the whole time. He rested his head in his hands and just sat there for a while. He wondered if Olivia would check up on him if he took to long but he didn't hear any movement in her room. He finally flushed and pulled up his pants. After washing his hands, he switched off the light before opening the door and came out of the bathroom.

"How's your head?" Olivia asked him, and he could see in the darkened room that she was now sitting up in her bed.

"Ready to explode," he answered honestly. "I think the alcohol is wearing off."

Olivia chuckled but he knew she wasn't smiling even without seeing her face.

"I've got some Tylenol in the kitchen somewhere."

He heard rustling and realized she was getting up.

"I can get it," he started to say but Olivia waved him off.

"It's fine El."

 _El._

Her use of his nickname hurt him physically, but in a good way. It was as if it teleported him back in time, back to when they were always like this with each other. He followed Olivia to the kitchen, where she switched the light above the stove on. It was just enough to chase away the darkness in the room and not too much for his aching head.

…

Olivia busied herself rummaging through the drawer where she kept her medicine but she was extremely aware of where Elliot was standing. She could hear him breathing and his breathing pattern told her he was in pain. She still knew him too well and they were slipping into their Benson and Stabler mode a little too effortlessly. She found the Tylenol and set it on the counter for him. She grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and set it down next to the Tylenol.

"Thanks," Elliot said and she took a step back so he could take the painkiller.

She watched him wash down two pills and tried not to stare at the muscles of his arm or the ones in his shoulder and back that were rippling underneath his shirt as he threw his head back to drink. Apparently the movement made him dizzy because he grabbed the counter for support. Again, she had to suppress the urge to touch him. Had she really touched him that often in the past? Maybe she had, if she kept needing to suppress it now.

When Elliot turned to face her, she saw that he looked horrible. The few hours of sleep hadn't really helped.

"Have you been sick again?" she asked.

"No. Must have been the booze after all," he answered with a half smile.

Olivia turned away from him quickly, not ready to answer his smile with her own.

"Try to get some more rest," she told him.

Before she could make her way back to her bedroom, Elliot's voice stopped her.

"Liv."

She stopped walking but didn't turn around. Somehow she knew he was going to plead with her again and unlike him, she'd barely slept at all yet.

"I sent you a letter."

His words made her whip around to face him.

"What?"

"I sent you a letter a little over a month ago."

"I got your mini badge last month," Olivia replied, feeling a little confused.

That stupid badge with a note saying _'Semper Fi, El'_ didn't exactly qualify as a letter.

"There was a letter," Elliot insisted, "but Kathy found it and took it out. I had no idea. Until last night."

…

 **Dun dun!**

 **Next chapter, they talk. I won't drag it out, promise.**


	4. Chapter 4

**If you want the full text of the letter at this point, it's at the end of chapter 60 of "All I Need To Know".  
Or you can let Elliot tell you what he remembers of it as he tells Olivia :)**

4.

" _There was a letter," Elliot insisted, "but Kathy found it and took it out. I had no idea. Until last night."_

He watched several emotions play out on Olivia's face. Confusion at first, followed by disbelief, and then wonder. He saw traces of anger too and he knew she was feeling very conflicted. He didn't blame her. He tried to imagine what it would have been like for her not to hear from him, and then receive an envelope with just his mini badge and a small note. That note had been meant to underline his letter, but it was all she'd received. Semper Fi. Always faithful. It must have done more harm than good in the end without the letter so he certainly understood the anger.

"I swear there was a letter, Liv," he added, pleading with her to hear him out now that they were both awake, and slightly more alert than before.

"What did it say?"

He could hear in her voice that she was trying to keep her distance but she was, in fact, very eager to know. He remembered what he'd written to her but not the exact words, so he would have to improvise. That wasn't his best quality when it came to his innermost feelings, but for Olivia's sake, he had to try. She deserved that much after all these months.

"Can we sit down?" he asked her, stalling just a little longer to find the right words to tell her what was in the letter; what was in his heart and had been in his heart for a long time.

Olivia gave him a curt nod and then turned around to sit on the couch. He followed her, making sure that he was walking in a straight line. He still felt a bit wobbly but despite the headache, his mind was clearer already after a few hours of sleep. He sat down, leaving a respectable distance between the two of them, and wondered how to start.

…

She couldn't really fathom what Elliot was telling her. He'd written her a letter but his wife had found it? Why on earth would he write to her? Granted, they weren't the best communicators in the world but he could have just called or come over to talk to her. She'd been dying to talk to him for so long and then he sent her a letter instead? Still, she had to know what he'd wanted to tell her. Depending on what he'd written, things could become incredibly awkward with Kathy, since she had found the letter and had taken it out of the envelope.

Olivia still remembered pulling that little flap out of the big envelope and then realizing who it was from. She'd tried to put it out of her mind quickly because they were working on a case but for weeks, that little note had rested inside the drawer of her nightstand. She had wanted to throw it out a few times but she hadn't been able to. Somehow, that little piece of paper had been proof for her that Elliot hadn't simply forgotten all about her when he'd walked away.

And now he was telling her there had been more. She was almost scared of hearing what he'd written to her a month ago and she held her breath when Elliot started talking.

"First of all, I apologized for ignoring your calls and for not seeing you when you came by the house."

She pursed her lips and nodded, not looking at Elliot but looking straight ahead. It was a start.

"I know it was wrong, Liv. To shut you out like that. You didn't deserve that."

She nodded again, not knowing what to say. She felt herself starting to feel that pain again and tried to continue breathing normally.

"But … I needed some time to face the truth."

She looked at him then, a question in her eyes.

"The truth about what, exactly?"

This was the hardest part. It had taken him a long time to admit to himself, let alone to put it on paper.

"The shooting," he said, almost whispering.

"It was a good shoot," Olivia said forcefully. It was a reflex. She'd said it countless times, defending him.

"That's what they said, isn't it? But I know the truth now, Liv. We said we wouldn't do it again, after Gitano, but I did. I made the exact same call again. I chose you over the job again. Over a victim. I shot Jenna because …"

His voice broke but he took a shaky breath and tried again.

"Because I was afraid she'd shoot you. I didn't care about anyone or anything else. My only thought was you. And that's why a young girl is dead today."

"El."

Olivia wanted to reach for him. The pain in his eyes and his voice was almost too much and she wanted to comfort him. Reassure him. It was an instinct that hadn't died over the past few months, no matter how hurt she'd felt. But she didn't reach for him. She was too busy trying to control the rapid beating of her heart and the trembling in her gut.

"It's all on me," Elliot continued. "I learned my lesson the first time and I don't blame any of this on you, Liv. I remember writing that I tried to stay away from you because of the man you bring out in me - but that's on me! It's not your fault in any way. It was my choice and I made that choice both times because …"

He looked at her then, almost surprised to get so much out in one go, and he could see Olivia processing and waiting. This was it. The one thing she really needed to know.

"Because I love you too damned much, Olivia."

He dropped his head in his hands after that and closed his eyes. He was trembling and felt extremely exposed. He'd finally told her. Put his heart on the line and this could go either way, like always with Olivia. He could hear her breathing erratically while she tried to control it. He knew she was shaking by now too and he braced himself. It was either fight or flight with Olivia. He was ready to fight, always, but he didn't know what he'd do if she chose to flee. It was a very real possibility because Olivia didn't do full exposure. She'd spent a lifetime perfecting the guard around her heart and she'd run for the hills before showing anyone how she truly felt. He prayed silently that she wouldn't run. He'd fight her if he had to, as long as she didn't run. Not this time.

Olivia was completely thrown and she just sat there, frozen. Her mind was going a mile a minute but it was going in all directions. He loved her? He shot Jenna because of her? He had written all of that? Could he really sit there and tell her that he loved her and not give her the time of day for months? But … did he really love her after all? After a long minute, she managed to ask him,

"And what were you expecting after sending me that letter?"

Elliot tried to focus again. At least she was still here.

"I asked you to meet me."

"When?"

"September 24."

"We didn't meet."

"I know. You never got the letter."

Olivia watched Elliot's profile and his tense body language. How on earth was she supposed to deal with all these revelations in the middle of the night?

"Would you have come?" she heard him ask. His voice was raspy and sad.

She stood up abruptly and walked a few steps away from the couch. She needed to do something or she'd explode.

Would she have met Elliot if he'd asked her to in September? After four months of no contact? Was that even a question? Of course she would have met him. She would have met him today if he'd asked her and she would have met him in five years' time. She'd meet him to get some closure if anything, but after such a declaration of love …

It still wasn't registering fully what he'd said and a little voice in the back of her head began repeating the words to her.

 _Because I love you too damned much, Olivia._

He had feared for her life and he'd chosen her over the job. Over the life of a young woman. He had shot someone because of her. Because of his feelings for her. His love for her … It had been a good shoot on the outside but she understood what he was telling her. No matter how it had looked from the outside, Elliot was dealing with what had happened to him on the inside. She was starting to understand why he had put his papers in, never to pick up a gun again.

Elliot was looking at her now and he looked incredibly tired.

"Would you have come?" he asked her again.

The answer fell from her lips then.

"Yes."

Elliot closed his eyes again and Olivia felt that strong pull towards him again. She remained where she was though, using the distance of about ten feet between them as a much needed barrier, or she might fall apart on the spot.

"I wrote that … that I'd understand if you didn't come and that it would mean you had moved on."

Olivia shook her head even though Elliot wasn't looking at her. Move on? What the hell was that anyway? She hadn't moved on at all.

"I waited all day long until they closed."

She was still shaking her head lightly.

"I didn't know …"

"I love you, Liv."

He looked at her now and she wrapped her arms around herself. When he stood up, she took a small step back but Elliot closed the distance between them faster than she could back up. She blinked a few times and looked up at him when he stopped just a few inches away from her.

"I don't have a clue what to do right now. I know we don't do this … this," he said, gesturing between them helplessly. "But you have to know once and for all. I love you."

"You already said that," Olivia stammered.

She was flailing mentally. They didn't do this indeed and she was starting to panic.

"I'll say it again until you hear me," he said and his voice was suddenly gentle. Tender even.

She looked into his blue eyes, now so close to her, and they anchored her. They gave her something to focus on and despite the remnants of alcohol in both their systems, her lack of sleep and his headache, all she could see was sincerity in them now. She jumped a little when Elliot put his hands on her shoulders lightly but stood perfectly still when he moved his hands down her arms. She uncrossed her arms automatically, dropping them by her sides and Elliot's hands continued their path downward until they found hers. He grasped her hands lightly and was relieved when she didn't pull them away.

"I love you," he said once more.

She was breathing too fast and he didn't want her to panic. Her confusion gave him the strength to stay focused for both of them.

"I heard you," Olivia said but he shook his head, the beginnings of a smile forming on his lips.

"Are you sure?" he asked her.

She was still staring at him with wide eyes, unmoving. Now that he'd said it a few times, the words were coming easier for him. She hadn't started running yet so he needed to make the most of these moments. She was silent and seemed to be frozen in place, but he could see a whole universe in her eyes and he could finally see the realization dawning in them of what he had just told her.

"I'm not going back this time, Liv," he told her. "This is different in every way and you know it."

Her lips parted as if she was taking a breath to say something and he waited with baited breath for her response. But she was at a loss for words. The fact that she was still standing close to him and let him hold her hands, gave him the last bit of courage he needed. He leaned in slowly, giving her every opportunity to back away. He heard a soft sound come from her throat just before he pressed his lips gently against hers.

Olivia's mind was a complete blank but her body was suddenly wide awake. She heard herself moan softly. Elliot was kissing her? She felt herself starting to kiss him back and then her mind kicked into gear again. He was kissing her. Elliot fucking Stabler was kissing her in the middle of the night in her living room. He loved her and he wasn't going back to his wife. A weird feeling engulfed her and all her synapses were firing up. Her hands moved up to his waist and Elliot's hands went to her back as he held her closer, never breaking the gentle kiss. His lips were surprisingly soft and he nipped her lower lip gently before running his tongue along it. Olivia moaned again and kissed him harder then. She felt hot and cold simultaneously and her body was moving on instinct, needing to be as close as humanly possible to him. To Elliot. He was in her arms at last, no longer a distant fantasy.

Elliot couldn't believe Olivia was actually kissing him back. He was reeling and when she deepened the kiss - _she_ deepened the kiss! - he let himself fall into the moment. His headache was forgotten and he never wanted to let her go.

...

 **To be continued ...**

 **One more chapter after this, I think.**


	5. Chapter 5

5.

Olivia was pressed against Elliot's chest, his arms wrapped firmly around her and her face tucked away in the juncture between his right shoulder and his neck. It was as if he was everywhere around her and she was almost afraid to move, for fear of breaking the spell. They were swaying a little together, eyes closed and waiting for their thoughts to fall back into place. Neither of them had any desire to speak and they relaxed into this absolute feeling of belonging. Olivia had never felt anything like it.

She remembered the feeling whenever they had met in the morning at work, or before work. It had always been as if something clicked the instant they saw each other, knowing the day would be alright no matter which horrors they would face this time, as long as they faced them together. Once Elliot suddenly didn't show up anymore, the loss of that reassurance had been crippling. Olivia had dragged on on sheer willpower. Now, completely enveloped by everything Elliot, she wanted to cry. Maybe she needed to let out the pain of missing him and maybe she just wanted to cry from relief.

He was back.

He was back and the day that was about to begin, would be alright. Maybe she had felt like this before after all. This was that same feeling she'd had whenever she first saw Elliot on any given day, only a thousand times multiplied. And it was a confronting realization; almost embarrassing. She had always prided herself in not needing anyone else, but it had been a lie. Everyone needs other people and it had been arrogant of her to think she was different from everyone else in that respect. Or maybe it had been fear. The fear of needing people, only to find that they weren't there for her when it mattered. So far, everyone she had ever cared about had confirmed that fear. Including Elliot. Only Elliot had come back and that made him different from all the others.

Olivia lifted her head slowly, not wanting Elliot to let go of her, and looked at him. She had yearned to see his face again and there it was. She had ached for him last night, because it was the first time since they met that she wouldn't wish him a happy birthday. He hadn't exactly had a happy birthday. Maybe they should just start over.

Elliot looked into Olivia's dark eyes, so close to him now. She had let him kiss her and she had kissed him back. They had broken off the kiss very slowly with a string of small, soft kisses, almost as if neither one of them really wanted it to end, and then she'd crawled into his arms. He had been overcome with emotion and had just held her close, inhaling her scent and feeling the warmth of her body against his. He didn't have a plan when he started telling her about the letter, but God must have given him the right words to say because she was still in his arms with no intention to push him away anymore. His headache was beginning to subside. It was probably the Tylenol kicking in, but the fact that he was now relaxing had to be a good remedy as well. He studied Olivia's face, unaware that he was smiling slightly until Olivia smiled back at him.

"Happy birthday, El."

His smile widened.

"Officially, it's not my birthday anymore."

"Let's pretend that it is and start over."

"Start over? I like the sound of that."

Olivia's smile widened too and she lifted her right hand to caress his cheek.

"Happy birthday," she whispered, moving to kiss him on the cheek.

Elliot turned his head and captured her lips with his own.

"Thank you, Liv."

He was thanking her for a lot more than her birthday wishes and they both knew it.

"I could never stay mad at you," Olivia whispered.

They both chuckled.

"Ditto," Elliot said.

"We're pretty pathetic like that, aren't we?" Olivia said with a smirk.

"No," Elliot said softly, pressing his lips to her forehead. "We're pretty perfect like that."

Olivia rested her head on his shoulder again.

"I doubt that your family will agree with that, though," she said quietly.

And there was the elephant in the room.

Elliot caressed her back gently.

"They will just have to accept it."

"It's not gonna be that easy and you know it."

She was right about that. Of course she was right.

"Kathy knows we're over Liv. She read the letter, remember? And Maureen heard our argument last night."

"Still … all that the kids will see is that you're leaving their mother for another woman."

Elliot knew she was right and there was a bumpy road ahead of them. But they were going to make it. He was sure of it. Just seeing Olivia again had made him feel complete and without her, he had been lost. His kids knew things were difficult between him and their mother. They'd been apart for over two years before getting back together for Eli. They still loved each other, there was no question about it, but it wasn't the love that two lovers shared. Except for the very beginning, it had felt more like a brother-sister relationship. They had sex of course, because they were only human and had their needs, but they had made it work for the sake of the kids.

"Liv, the kids all love you," he told Olivia after a minute.

"They won't now."

She was starting to feel guilty. She couldn't help falling in love with Elliot but she had made it a point never to act on her feelings because of his family. And now they were acting on their feelings anyway. It wasn't just her. Elliot felt the same way and he was acting on his feelings too.

"It may take some time but we'll all be happier in the end. Even Kathy. Did I ever tell you that she started dating again when we were separated?"

Olivia lifted her head again to look at Elliot.

"No. You didn't tell me. But you got back together. You … you made Eli."

Elliot sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and nodded. He couldn't deny the fact that he had spent the night with Kathy once while they were separated.

"Yeah. Well … I didn't date. Well, I did but I never … you know. When I stayed the night with Kathy that time, I just needed comfort after a case."

"You never slept with any of your dates?"

Olivia had to admit that she was mildly surprised. Elliot shook his head.

"Why not?"

It was Elliot's turn to bury his face in her hair and he sighed.

"I couldn't. I felt like … like I was cheating."

"But she was dating too. Did she sleep with anyone?"

"I never asked her but … it wasn't like that. I … even when I just kissed my date, I … I thought of you."

"What?"

Olivia pushed Elliot's shoulders lightly to make him look at her again.

"Why would you think of _me_? I wasn't your wife!"

Elliot smiled wryly.

"I knew that, believe me, I did. But I also knew that the only woman I really wanted to be with if I was going to leave my old life behind, was you."

Elliot sighed and then added,

"I just didn't have the guts to do anything about it because I was afraid I'd ruin our friendship."

Olivia stared at her former partner, trying to absorb the meaning of his words.

"Our … friendship? What about your marriage? Your family?" she asked.

Elliot hung his head, his temple touching hers lightly and Olivia closed her eyes. They were so close now. So close … but they needed to talk this through once and for all.

"All I know is this Liv. When I kissed another woman, I felt like I was betraying you. I don't know how to explain it but it's the truth."

"And … when you went back to Kathy?"

Olivia's voice had barely been more than a whisper but Elliot heard it loud and clear. He knew what she was asking him and why.

"Sleeping with her back then was a mistake, but at least she was familiar. But it wasn't the same as before. I just ... "

Elliot bit his lip and then remembered another line from his letter.

"I wrote to you that my heart wasn't in my marriage anymore, because I had lost it to you along the way. And that no matter what you would decide, it would always belong to you."

Olivia swallowed hard and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to keep the tears at bay that she felt coming.

"Semper Fi," she whispered.

That little note made so much more sense now.

"Exactly."

"I still have it. The note."

It was Elliot's turn to swallow a lump in his throat.

"I'm so sorry you didn't get that letter too. It must have been so confusing … I really don't deserve you, Liv. For you to keep that note after the way I left you."

He shook his head but Olivia pressed her cheek against his, stilling him.

"You came back."

"I did. And I'm not leaving you again. Never again."

He kissed her neck softly and Olivia let out a soft groan. She desperately wanted to believe him. Before Elliot had arrived on her doorstep, she had been determined to make him suffer if he ever showed his face again, but now that he was here and after everything he'd told her, all she really wanted was to believe him. But there would be no way around his family and she was scared. Maybe she wasn't really scared of his wife and children, but of his sense of loyalty and responsibility, that had always led him back to them.

"It will take time for me to really believe that, El," she told him honestly, surprising herself a little that she was voicing her doubts. Then again, their entire conversation was pretty surprising.

"I understand," Elliot said.

He really couldn't blame her for being on guard but he had known her for a long time and he knew how to break down her walls. And more than that, he know that the Olivia that lived behind those walls, was worth whatever it took to win her heart and to win back her trust.

"We'll take it one day at a time," he added, and Olivia nodded against his shoulder.

"Yeah. We'll do that. Only this day is starting a little too early to be honest. I've barely slept yet."

Now that she was relaxing, she was beginning to feel how exhausted she truly was.

"Want me to tuck you in?" Elliot said, and she pulled back a little to look into his eyes.

They were sparkling with amusement, like she had expected and she grinned back at him.

"No," she said firmly and she kind of enjoyed seeing his face fall.

"Oh."

"I don't want you to tuck me in. I want you to stay with me."

Elliot's eyebrows shot up and she could see several questions swirling in his eyes. He wasn't sure what she meant.

"I need to keep an eye on you because you may have a concussion," she said, trying for a nonchalant attitude, but she couldn't suppress her smile entirely.

"Right," Elliot said slowly.

Olivia untangled herself from Elliot a little reluctantly and then took his hand.

"Just … sleep next to me? That's all I'm asking. For now."

Elliot let out a soft growl after she added those last two words and she chuckled.

Elliot breathed out slowly as Olivia led him to her bedroom. This night had turned out completely differently than anyone could ever have imagined. It was better than he could have imagined. He knew there would be a lot to deal with in the morning, but for now, all was well in the world.

Once they were in bed, Olivia comfortably resting against his chest while he was spooning her, Elliot buried his nose in her hair once more. She was relaxing against him and he knew she would be asleep soon. It made him proud to know that he was still the one she could relax with and before she drifted off to sleep he told her the one thing he needed her to know.

"I love you."

Olivia sighed and for a few long moments, he thought she wasn't going to respond. But then she told him, pulling his arm around her body a little tighter,

"I don't know what will happen tomorrow or the day after, but there's one thing I do know."

"What's that, Liv?"

"I love you too."

…

 **The End**

…

...

 **A/N: Thank you all for reading. I know it may be disappointing for some that I'm not going to have them hash things out with Kathy and the kids, but Kathy has been taken care of in the original story, and you may rest assured that the kids will come around as well. The focus of this story was, what would have happened between our two favorite Detectives if Elliot had made it to her door on his birthday? And now we know!**

 **A final review would be appreciated. Until next time,  
Anne**


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